


ikaw ang hantungan (you are my ending)

by tagchansol



Series: red strings [1]
Category: Thai Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Red String of Fate, taynew as best friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27651280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tagchansol/pseuds/tagchansol
Summary: Tay was seven years old when he first saw the red string tied on his littlest finger. He’s twenty-two years old when he realized that at some point in his life, he needed to learn to let go of beliefs that no longer hold. Maybe having a soulmate doesn’t mean the attraction is always mutual. Maybe it’s enough to know there is someone you’re meant to love, but not meant to love you back.
Relationships: New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun/Tay Tawan Vihokratana, Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat
Series: red strings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080197
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	ikaw ang hantungan (you are my ending)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lalov99](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalov99/gifts).



> Written for @chogiwababii as part of Suhay sa Buhay's Sulatroniko Project. All proceeds from this project are donated to affected communities of Typhoon Ulysses in Isabela, Philippines.
> 
> Title lifted from the lyrics of Tadhana by Up Dharma Down, story loosely based on the song as well. I hope it's as angsty as the song deserves.
> 
> For more information about the project: https://twitter.com/suhaysabuhay/status/1328753236128321543?s=20

Tay was seven years old when he first sees it. There was no way not to see it as immediately as he did, it was so bright with its blood-red hue and so out of place. One moment he was playing in the swings next to their house, trying to kick the ground to launch himself as high as he could, and then there was a boy sitting in the swing next to his and the red string appeared on his littlest finger where his sister used to curl hers when they need to keep a secret.

He stopped kicking at the ground and tugged at the string, except that he couldn’t. He could see it, but he couldn’t touch it.

That’s when he noticed where it went. There, on the littlest finger of the boy next to his swing, tied the other end of his red string.

“Nana,” Tay starts, stirring his afternoon cocoa until it cools down enough that he can put the ice cube without it instantly melting, “something weird appeared in my pinky today.”

Nana huffs at him. She’s always grumpy with him, but then she pats his head and puts down a plate of mango sticky rice cakes with coconut shavings on the side and he remembers that’s just how she is. “Eat your snacks.”

Tay eats his snacks. Just as he’s forgetting what he asked Nana, she sits down in front of him and says, “What were you saying about your pinky? Did it hurt?”

He shakes his head and looks at his pinky finger. The red string is still as loud as it was when it first appeared. “There’s a red string tied to it, but I can’t touch it.”

Immediately, he sees Nana tense and lay out a hand in front of her. Tay promptly places his hand in hers. He watches intently as Nana turns his hand over and over, tutting as she does.

“You’re far too young to be seeing your string, but I guess that’s good.” She gives Tay his hand back.

“What does it mean?” Tay tries to fit a whole piece of sticky rice cake in his mouth, plucking a pinch of coconut shavings and fitting that in there as well before trying to chew.

Nana glances at his full mouth dubiously before answering him, “It means the string found the other half of your soul. Whoever has the other end of the string is the soul made for yours, who follows yours across lifetimes and rebirths.”

“What does that mean?” is he tries to say, again, but his mouth is full, so all he was able to say is a mangle of sounds with bits of coconut flying through.

Nana shakes her head. “Tawan, please,” she reprimands, all the while dropping cubes of ice in his cocoa.

When his mouth is clear enough that he can speak without disgracing their family, he asks again, “What does it mean, Nana?”

“It means the heavens gave you a great gift, or they are giving you the greatest pain you will need to endure for life.”

Needless to say, Nana’s words meant absolutely nothing for Tay. He doesn’t understand why a red string will be painful when he can’t even feel or touch it. Maybe the heavens are giving him a gift. He is industrious in giving his offerings and prayers, after all. What he does understand is that the boy in the playground has the other end of his string and follows him across rebirths. This means he found potentially the best playmate ever! He swears he’s going to be best friends with that boy.

Fast forward to some years, give or take a whole lifetime, Tay Tawan looks at his soulmate—which, he found out is what people actually call the other half of their souls, the partner to their red strings, _the love of all their fucking lifetimes_ —making out with a person who is _not_ him.

Off, one of his best friends since Orientation Week two years ago, turns to him with distaste clear on his face. “I didn’t know New stopped dating Beam?”

Tay shrugs because honestly, he didn’t know either. He doesn’t even remember seeing this girl sitting in his soulmate’s lap before this moment.

“Kaeo,” Gun (also known as his Master, _also_ also known as Off’s greatest weakness and pseudo-boyfriend (whatever that means)) calls, Off and Tay looking at him confusedly before realizing that he’s addressing the creature perched on New’s lap, like a lioness sitting on a prey, “do you want a little breather? Or do you want to give New a chance to breathe? You look like you’re going to eat his face—if you haven’t yet.”

 _Kaeo_. Of course, the girl who gets to kiss the person meant for Tay gets to be called _victorious_ as well. Tay can remain the washout sun sans the mate to his soul, he thinks only slightly bitterly as he shakes his head and goes back to his textbook.

New emerges from the mess of arms and limbs and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Strangely, he glances at Tay as he does so, like a cheating husband feeling guilty that he’s been caught. But he’s not, because just like what he’s been saying thousands of years ago (give or take some 985 years), he doesn’t see the end of the red string that Tay used to tell him about. Which means that maybe his red string isn’t tied to Tay’s finger. _Which_ means that New doesn’t care whether Tay has watched him swap spit with at least five different girls or boys every month since they started college together.

The girl, _Kaeo_ , throws Gun a sickly-sweet and very fake smile. Tay wants to toss his bottled water at her. Because she’s being mean to Gun, obviously. “Newwiee, my darling, let’s go find a different spot to hangout. This spot is feeling kind of suffocating.”

She stands up and slings a sparkling bag on her shoulder. Tay almost blinds himself when the afternoon sun reflects on the gems on it and twinkles right on his face.

Tay has been looking at New’s back since they were children, mostly because that’s the only time he’s allowed to look at New without the other reminding him that they are not soulmates because New adamantly believes he doesn’t have one. But you never really get used to being left behind by the only person you know you’re going to love for the rest of your life, and maybe even the next ones you will ever live.

But maybe, even then, he needs to try.

To be fair to the universe, the moment Tay commits to forgetting about soulmates and New as his soulmate, it gives him a chance to do it. At first, he was thinking maybe he would meet someone else, someone who would get him as much as New does except that someone else wouldn’t have the shadow of a girlfriend or a boyfriend always ghosting over them.

Instead, it comes in the form of a project being organized by the Student Council of the Faculty of Humanities. He’s not even supposed to see it, because the poster is on the bulletin board on the other side of their building, but New wanted to try the _chao kuai_ being sold in a stand near the exit gate that they don’t usually use, so he sees it. His steps slow until he’s stopping in front of it, reading the details of the project. It’s voluntary, students who wish to participate will be teaching young adults in an orphanage about the basics of photography. It’ll take three months of weekend lessons and after-school meetings. Making himself busy will probably take his mind off that thing about souls and mates.

“What’s that?” New asks him, also looking at the poster. He also curves his arm across Tay’s shoulder, but he’s been doing that since Tay was seven and introducing himself to the boy who has his red string and New was a jolly five-year-old who didn’t believe him but has never left his side since then anyway, so he doesn’t think about it. “Are you joining?”

“Yeah,” Tay says, shrugging, “it’ll look good on my resume.”

New nods, still reading the poster. He frowns a little by the middle. “Seems like you’re going to be busy in the next few weeks. How will we do our food trips every Saturday if you’re going to be at the university every weekend?”

Tay just shrugs and pointedly doesn’t mention that they usually miss these food trips anyway. Especially when New has a girl or a boy he’d rather date than spend a few hours eating with Tay.

He meets Jamie during one of the after-school meetings for the project. She’s in charge of documenting the event, so Tay typically finds her walking around, a camera mostly covering her face.

The first time they speak, it was about one of Tay’s students wanting to opt-out of being photographed. The second time, they talk about the red strings tied to their little fingers.

Tay doesn’t remember how it happened, but they both realize they can both see the red strings and that both of them aren’t very lucky with the other ends.

“Hey, Tawan!”

Tay doesn’t stop walking, but he holds on to Jamie’s elbow to ground himself before turning to see who called him, as if the mere voice and proximity of the man don’t raise the hair on his arms and warm a little part of his chest. “Hey, New.”

New rushes to his side, walks with him, and glances skeptically at Jamie, like he’s not sure why she’s there walking next to Tay. He looks up at Tay and smiles. “It’s the last day of the Photography 101 Project, right? Let’s go to dinner to celebrate, my treat!”

“Well,” Tay starts, looking at New sheepishly. “I actually made plans with Jamie.” He almost tacks on a _sorry_ ; he has to remind himself that he has no reason to. He’s not committed to New, not when he’s the only one who can see the red string on their fingers. Tay gulps, and when that doesn’t work, clears his throat and makes himself say, “Maybe next time?”

Next time turns out to be here, at this moment, Tay’s face red with fuming anger and New’s just as much. It’s not supposed to be like this. They’re just supposed to have a meal and go home, Tay wasn’t even planning on talking much, he’s still trying to move on from the fact that he will never have New more than as his best friend, still trying to learn how to be okay with that. And yet here they are, both of their dirty laundry out in the open and the tatters of their friendship close to breaking point.

“Who I date is none of your fucking business, Tay! We’re best friends, nothing more!” New rages, yelling and stabbing a finger in his direction as if the motion will hurt more than his words. “You’ve got to fucking cut the red string bullshit!”

“ _Red string bullshit_? New,” Tay scoffs, trying to keep his voice level. There has to be one of them thinking clearly and remembering this moment objectively. “I’m not the one who’s overreacted because the other is hanging out with someone who’s not him! _You_ need to pull yourself together! I can hang out with Jamie, with the rest of the Chula student body, and it wouldn’t be any of your goddamn business!”

New grabs his head in frustration. “You’ve never done that! _Literally_ never! We’ve been best friends for years and you’ve never had any friends that I don’t know! Just say you’re doing this to spite me so we can—”

Tay stops, laughs. This fucking boy. “You think I made friends with someone to spite you? How do you fit your fucking head through the door?”

“Tay! Just tell me what I want to fucking hear so we can move on from this!”

Shaking his head, Tay heaves and turns his back. He refuses to do this. “I’m done with this conversation. You’ve always had me, New. Always. But that’s over. I’m tired of waiting for you to finally want me back.”

“I can see the red string,” Tay hears, his heart stuttering to a stop in his chest. “I know we’re soulmates, Tay. You can’t give up on us. Please.”

Tay shifts, his eyes immediately drawn to New’s hunched form. “What?”

“I can fucking see the red string, Tay, I’m sorry.”

“Since when?”

A pause. “From the start.”

“Then why were you lying to me this whole time?!”

“Tay.” New finally looks at him again, eyes red and moist. “Red fucking strings aren’t made to last forever. It’s _bullshit_ , okay?! I see it, but what does that matter? We can’t believe in a thing we can’t even fucking touch! My parents had it and guess what! I never even met my father because he fucked off before I was even born!”

Of course Tay has always known that New didn’t grow up with a dad, but he’s never known the specifics. Without his control, he shuffles closer to his best friend, this man who’s been lying to him since the moment they met because he’s afraid of the pain caused by the red string. He’s one of those people Nana tells him experienced nothing good because of it.

“We’re not your parents,” his voice a mere whisper.

New nods. “Aren’t we?”

“Right.” Tay nods back at him. “You can’t even stop dating everyone but me, how would you know?”

“I’m sorry. Please stop bringing it up.”

Tay sighs. “I will probably never let that go.”

“Okay, fine. Hold on to that grudge forever. But just. Just don’t give up on us yet.”

As if there was any other path to go with. Tay was determined to forget, but he knows he’ll never be able to do it anyway. He holds New, gingerly at first, because he’s still mad, but then he feels his warmth and he’s hugging him as tight as he can.

There’s a long way to go, but they both know where they will end up anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! The project is ongoing until November 30, 2020!
> 
> Link: https://twitter.com/suhaysabuhay/status/1328753236128321543?s=20


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